Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Congratulations! We have a period
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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