He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
