spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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