I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
