I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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