I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
thus making me awesome and them whores
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
