I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
