she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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