it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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