i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
