Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
