also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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