3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
