i used baking grease as lip gloss
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
my liver is dry heaving
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
