At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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