its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
