At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
