If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
