I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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