if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You made out with two different species that night
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
