3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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