How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
