So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
