So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
