she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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