we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
zippers are such a cool invention
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
