i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize