took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
