my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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