god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize