I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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