Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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