Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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