She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
