Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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