Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
