Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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