96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
