hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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