please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
