Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
