I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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