Im at strip club and am horny
from now on my penis is your penis
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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