Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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