I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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