I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
