just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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