am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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