I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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