What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
