It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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