my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
