....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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