Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize