I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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