Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
