Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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