I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You're breaking my sexual little heart
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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