HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
