he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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