I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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