oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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